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Christians and porn: common questions

April 1, 2009 Pastor Chad 3 comments

This is the seventh, and final, post in the ongoing series on Christians and pornography (most recent post here). We have been walking through Mark Driscoll’s book Porn-Again Christian and today we are looking at chapter 7, “answers to common questions.” Since this is the last post of the series, it also marks the last opportunity to be entered in the give-away for a free copy of The Dirty Little Secret by Craig Gross. I will be making the official drawing for the books next week Wednesday (I have twelve copies available from the good folks at Zondervan). If you want to get an entry into the draw, leave a comment on one of the posts of this series (if you do not want to leave your name for all to see, simply put “anonymous” as your name, but make sure to leave your email so that I can contact you when you win).

In this chapter Mark Driscoll frankly answers some questions that he has received over the years as a pastor. I will simply be highlighting some of the questions which I find most helpful.

Question: If I cannot stop looking at porno and masturbating, should I disconnect my internet connection and get some roommates to live with for accountability?

Answer: Again, the problem is in your heart and not in your internet provider. Pail is clear in Colossians 2:20-23 that legalistic man-made rules may sound helpful but in the end are worthless in restraining sin because they only address outward behaviours while neglecting inward causes. It may be wise for some men to not have cable television or an unfiltered internet provider, but unless their heart changes, they will simply rearrange the flesh and stop one sin to begin another, such as being proud of their morality once they have stopped looking at porno. Whatever you do, begin with your heart.

Question: Is it a sin to notice that a woman in beautiful?

Answer: No. Genesis 12:10-14 says that Sarai was beautiful, despite the fact that she was quite old. Some women are lovely and to recognise this fact is, in itself, not a sin. However, recognising a woman’s beauty does become a sin when a man lusts after that beautiful woman and begins to undress her in his mind.

Question: At what age should a father speak to his son about these issues?

Answer: A Christian father should be the first person to speak with his son about these issues. The best age to discuss these matters varies from son to son but if a father is going to error he should error on the side of bringing up the matter too soon rather than too late. Simply, ensuring the lines of communication are open andhonest between a father and son is paramount. A father must vigilatnly remain aware of the questions and curiostities of his son(s) and speak with frank and masculine biblical wisdom like the dad in Proverbs. Lastly, a godly father should never shame or embarrass his son while speaking on this subject, but treat him as an emerging fellow man. As a general rule, since the average son sees his first porn by age eleven, by age ten a father should stat speaking to his son about sexual issues as the beginning point for an ongoing dialogue. This conversation needs to be ongoing and not a one-time event.

Question: Should I tell my wife if I look at pornography and/or masturbate?

Answer: Yes, you are sinning against her and your sin is affecting other aspects of your marriage and causing her to suffer, though she may not know why. Right now your sin is growing because it is hiding in darkness, and by confessing it to her and asking for her forgiveness you will be bringing it into the light, where it can be forgiven and healed. When you do confess to your wife, please be careful to not blame her for your sin, but accept responsibility as the head of your home for your condition and the condition of your home.

While these questions, as the rest of the book, are aimed at a male audience, I think the principles apply to women and girls as well.

May we all be set free from the trap of porn that our culture so freely endorses.

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Christians and porn: manly men

March 25, 2009 Pastor Chad Leave a comment

This is the sixth post in the ongoing series on Christians and pornography (most recent post here). We have been walking through Mark Driscoll’s book Porn-Again Christian and today we are looking at chapter 6, “manly men”.

Driscoll essentially says that in our society men are simply overgrown boys.

We live in a culture of hook up, shack up, break up. Men are marrying later and staying married shorter than ever. The average dude is not a dude but just a boy who can shave.

This culture, says Driscoll, is also present within the church and its leadership. More and more pastors are being removed because of moral lapses, and this, says Driscoll, “further stains the reputation of Jesus and undermines the credibility of his church.”

We, says Dricoll, are the glory of God. (Driscoll is talking mostly to men, but I think this applies to both sexes, we are all made in God’s image after all).

You need to memorise these words, “A man … is the image and glory of God.” The next time you are out hunting or camping and sitting around a fire, take a long stick and put one end of it in the fire. When that end gets hot and glowing red from glorying in the fire until its heat and light are transferred to it, take it our and look at it. Remind yourself that when the Bible says you are the glory of God, it means that you are like that stick and supposed to draw near to the pure and powerful God who is your Father and radiate his heat and light to the world.

See, says Driscoll, when you allow your life to be transformed by Jesus, when you repent of your sin, when you commit to following his way, to following him, he will “take away your guilt, shame, defeat, and filth (1 Jn 1:9. Zech. 3:1-9).

We do not need to live this way, trapped enslaved by our bodily urges. We do not need to follow every whim that pops into our head. We do not need to see the other sex as an object to be used to satisfy an urge.

Through Jesus we can see the other as a fellow image bearer. Through Jesus we can live lives which give honour and respect to one another. Through Jesus we can live lives which give honour and glory to God.

Remember, this is not about us. Our lives are NOT ultimately about what we can get, but about what we can give.

As God’s men, we do not pursue this redemption and holiness solely for ourselves but also for God’s mission to save and redeem the sea of lost men around us who are their own god and sin with their mouth, hands, and genitals.

The way we live our lives has an impact on the lives of those around us, and an impact on how people see God. When we live like everyone else, broken, ruled by our passions, willing to lie and cover up our actions, unwilling to provide support to those who truly need it, unwilling to forgive those who have fallen and walk beside them in support and strength, we do not live the gospel.

What would it look like if our communities became places where we could be open and honest with each other? What would it look like if we cultivated an atmosphere of non-condemnation and judgement? What would it be like if we helped one another through the tough road of discipleship?

What would it be like if we lived like Jesus?

“Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.”– Jesus

(Mark 2:17, ESV)

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Christians and porn: masturbation

March 18, 2009 Pastor Chad 1 comment

This is the fifth post in the ongoing series on Christians and pornography (most recent post here). We have been walking through Mark Driscoll’s book Porn-Again Christian and today we are looking at chapter 5, “masturbation”. This will be a very frank and open discussion, which may be more than many would like to hear. However, we must be able to talk about these kinds of things in a responsible and Biblical manner.

Though this is something that is often not discussed when dealing with pornography, the issue of masturbation is inevitable. As Driscoll states:

At the risk of stating the obvious, pornography exists primarly for the purpose of masturbation.

Masturbation, for Driscoll, is defined as self-pleasuring oneself to erection and/or orgasm and ejaculation. There are other forms of manual stimulation within the confines of a committed married relationship which would do not fit this definition. This is something which is not limited to males, either. There is a higher percentage of males who admit to it, but it is not a male only problem.

Our culture seems to accept it as normal, or even natural.

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld may have summarised the modern opinion of maturbation best, saying, “We all have to do it. It’s part of our lifestyle, like shaving.”

The Bible does not mention explicitly one way or the other whether masturbation is a sin or not. But, there are some very practical and theological reasons why we should avoid masturbation. The following questions bring them to light.

Can you masturbate without lusting?

Can you masturbate in a way that builds oneness with your spouse, pulling you together more intimately through the act?

Can you masturbate without experiencing shame?

Can you masturbate with a clear conscience?

Can you masturbate without capitulating to the cravings of you sinful desires and thoughts?

These questions should raise the doubts of many. It seems extremely difficult to be able to fulfil these criteria. There are some who argue that there are appropriate times and seasons in people’s lives in which participating in this act is beneficial. However, I find this very hard to believe. Given our sexually charged culture I find it hard to believe that an individual would be able to answer “Yes” to the first question.

Given the fact that Jesus says that whoever looks at another lustfully has already committed adultery with them in their heart, lust is not something to be taken lightly. In fact, if you think that adultery is grounds for divorce, then perhaps lusting during masturbation is also grounds for divorce.

This should make us pause a bit.

We are dealing with a very serious topic because sex is designed as a gift which allows those who are committed to one another in a marriage relationship to be brought closer together.

So, while the Bible does not outright condemn the practice (and I am certain it was around in Biblical times, they were just as depraved as we are) there seem to be some very weighty reasons for not engaging in the practice.

The biggest reason being that it takes away from the incredible gift of intercourse which God has given us. Paul says that if we cannot control ourselves we ought to get married, not provide ourselves with some other release.

What do you think?

(remember, comments here get you entered for the Dirty Little Secret give away)

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Christians and porn: a practical theology

March 11, 2009 Pastor Chad 2 comments

This is the fourth post in the ongoing series on Christians and pornography (most recent post here). We have been walking through Mark Driscoll’s book Porn-Again Christian and today we are looking at chapter 4, “a practical theology of pornographic lust”.

At the beginning of Genesis, says Driscoll, God gave Adam an amazing gift in Eve.

God made Eve to be with the man as a lover, helper, and friend. … Eve may or may not have been beautiful, but to Adam she was glorious because she was all he had ever known. Practically, he had no standard of beauty to compare his bride to–she was his only standard of beauty.

This incredible gift was made even more incredible because Adam was not constantly breaking his neck to check out some other woman walking down the street.

Every urge and desire that we have is something that God created us with. They have been tainted and altered, but in their pure form they are good (because God created everything good). Thus the desire present in lust (the desire to experience a deep connection with another human being) is a good desire, though it is heightened to an extreme degree and directed at the wrong people.

God’s design in marriage is that a man should lust after his wife, and a woman after her husband. As Driscoll puts it;

This means that if a man has a tall, skinny red-headed wife then that is sexy for him, and if his neighbour has a short, curvy brunette wife then that is sexy for him. Pornographic lust exists to elicit coveting and dissatisfaction that no woman can satisy because she cannot be tall and short, endowed and waifish, black and white, young and old, like the harem laid out in pornography.

When we continue to fill our minds with images of people that we are not supposed to think about in that manner, then our own lives become less and less satisfying. When we begin to fantasise that there were someone else who would come to bed, we are in deep trouble.

Sex is a gift given to us to help us deepen our communion with one another. It is something that is designed to physically cement a spiritual connection between two people. However, when one, or both, of the partners are not present in the moment because they are thinking about the latest picture they saw, or the latest erotic story they read, the connection is broken.

If a man fills his mind with images of other women’s breasts, he will never be satisfied with his wife’s and thereby diminish her confidence and marriage.

The same is true for women. It make not take as direct a form for you, but if you continually fill your head with images of buff men with six pack abs picking you up, carrying you off, and ravishing you, then how can you be satisfied with the man whom you have chosen to spend your life with? Perhaps women are more attracted to erotic stories than men are, but they have the same damaging impact; they cause dissatisfaction with the marriage, and the marriage bed.

The worst case I am aware of personally is a guy who had to have magazine pictures of other women on the pillow next to his wife’s head when they had sex because he had so conditioned his body to be aroused by porn that he was no longer aroused by his wife. You do not want to be that guy, and you do not want your wife to be that woman.

A while ago someone asked a group of teenage guys who were thinking about this issue whether porn would have the same attraction if it was our sister who was performing.

All of them immediately had an intensely negative reaction to this idea.

The presenter then challenged them all to see that every single one of those women was someone’s sister, or daughter, or even mother.

If God’s men did view woman as sisters, they would see the naked girls they lust after as beautiful sisters in need of dignity and grieve as if their little sister suddenly became a stripper.

So, how are we going to be proactive in keeping one another accountable?

Do you have someone you can go to, a pastor, a spiritual counsellor, a trusted friend, and tell them when you are struggling? How can we bear one another’s burdens in this?

Some ideas are installing the free x3 watch software (though I have had some technical issues with the free version). There also seems to be a movement in male accountability groups using the metaphor of Fight Clubs.

Do you have any ideas which may help us through this?

(remember that this series is involved in a book give-away, so any comments you make, or cross-posts give you an entry into the giveaway)

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